Today I’m blessed to see 32 years of life.  For me today is about Appreciation and Perspective.  I’m not where I thought I’d be both figuratively and literally. I don’t have the job I thought I would have at this point in my life. I’ve accomplished some things, but not what I thought I would have accomplished. I’m not celebrating the way or where I thought I would be today.  I never thought I would have endured the trials that I have up to this point in my life; Yet still I’m very appreciative of it all. 

I’m appreciative of where I am. Though I’m not perfect, I’m a lot better than I was and than I have been.  I appreciate every success and short coming.  Success brought about challenges that I needed to experience in order to be prepared for the future.  It also taught me that success comes at a cost, and you have to be willing to pay.  Every hard lesson learned came with new knowledge and improved resilience.  

My perspective on life has changed. In the past, material attachment kept me from seeing what was truly valuable. Now I value each and every person in my life. I value every new challenge and experience. I’m working daily to master discipline and live clean in all aspects of my life; spiritually, mentally, & physically. I no longer see failures as setbacks, but as opportunities for growth and development. I am truly blessed to see another year of life.

I know this feeling all to well. Though this time I’m not going to war, I’m waiting to deploy. The time is drawing nearer for me to go and I can’t help but think of how afraid I am. I’m not afraid to deploy because this isn’t my first time. I’m afraid I’ll be forgotten about. That time will go on without me. All these amazing things will happen for people I love and I’m not here to share the moments.

I can’t help but think about all the things I should have done differently. My 3rd time deploying as a single solider and it’s all my fault. I think of all the relationships I fucked up. I should have just proposed, or at least committed. All the times I allowed my ego and arrogance to be my downfall. The last two times my finances were left to my mother, and now she’s not here.

I think of how alone I feel. I’m almost haunted by memories of past deployments. Wishing I had someone to talk to, or the times I was basically told I wasn’t important enough to call back. Then there was the time, I watched for over a month straight as people called their children, wives, fiancé, or girlfriend and I had no one to call; nor did I receive a call.

Then there is the fear of coming home. Knowing I want the world to stay the same, but so much will have changed. The fear of being left behind. I pray this time is different, I am at peace with these things and acknowledging them gives me the courage and strength to move pass these fears.

I woke up early one morning with $40 dollars in my pocket and a tough choice. I had to decide between food, which at the time primarily meant alcohol, or gas. I sat there wondering how I got here and what I should do. All I could do was think about how I had nothing. Praying for some sign of hope, my phone rang. I was offered an opportunity that could change everything for me. This was the possibility I needed to completely change my situation. From having nothing to being put in a position to change my life. I was so thankful and appreciative.

A couple weeks after receiving that phone call. I made a decision that almost cost me everything. Just as fast as that opportunity was given to me it could have been taken away. I was devastated. All I could do was pray. Fast forward a couple of months. I was able to take advantage of that opportunity and things seem to be going well. That all changed when I received another phone call. This time is was about my mother’s health. I hung up the phone, and right then and there I knew my mother was dying. It was a tough realization to come too. Should I say something? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Was I strong enough to handle her death?

My mother did pass a couple months later and I was and still am lost at times. The point of all this is, life is a constant roller coaster. It’s full of ups and downs highs and lows. Sometimes you know exactly what’s coming and you are prepared; other times you have no idea what twist or turn is coming. Sometimes you say a prayer close your eyes and hope for the best.

Twenty eighteen was one of the best and worst years of my life. I triumphed while also dealing with tragedy. Crazy as it sounds, I’m thankful for it all. Of course there are somethings I wish I would have done differently and some situations I wish would have turned out differently. All in all, I’m thankful for these experiences. They have helped shape me into who I am today. Learn from your tragedies and triumphs. Let those lessons, bumps, and bruises shape you into the person you want to be.

I was out with a woman that I really liked. She asked me to take a picture of her, and like most women she wanted 100 pictures with what seemed like the same angle. It didn’t matter how many pictures I took and how many times she said I want to take another one, I just kept taking pictures. I remember thinking to myself, I’d take a thousand pictures for you.

You see we all have that one person that we’d do anything for. Especially if we like them. Hell, even for the possibility of being with a woman guys will do anything. Love can be a crazy thing at times that will also have us doing some crazy things. Often times we think with our heart and not our heads.

Be careful! Thinking with your heart is a double edged sword. While we can do a lot of things from the heart with love, sometimes those things are not in our best interest. They can be down right detrimental to us. Women have stayed with a guy who they know means them no good because they love him. Guys have spent all their money on a woman just to keep up a persona. It’s never a bad thing to do something out of love, but be careful. Love with your heart, but think with your head.